Stop the presses!
Have you heard the latest? Santa
Claus is getting a makeover! Yep, the jolly old elf is being down-sized and his
pipe will be extinguished as part of a campaign to transform him into a health
conscious role model for wide-eyed kiddies.
No longer will “smoke encircle his head like a wreath”
and neither will his belly “jiggle like a bowl full of jelly.” Instead, Mr. Claus has enrolled in a fast
track fitness program to whittle his waist and lower his blood pressure. Guess those rosey cheeks will soon be a thing
of the past, too. He’s sporting a new
nicotine patch on his left bicep to ease the withdrawal symptoms from a century
or two of smoking a pipe. Yes, he’s
making a list and checking it twice, and it’s still composed of naughty and
nice; however, the naughty side includes cake, cookies, rum, pizza, fries,
beer, bread, and anything with a calorie count above 100 per portion. The nice side now resembles what he used to
feed Rudolph and his counterparts.
Dear old Santa! We
really do want him to live a long, happy, healthy life, but this Christmas
might be a bit strange with a skinny Santa Claus. St. Nick won’t ever get stuck in a chimney
again. He’ll probably just squeeze in
through a partially opened window and scare the bejeepers out of millions of
children (and their parents) around the world.
What’s next, I wonder?
A newer, trimmer Frosty the Snowman?
Or maybe they’ll take Christ out of Christmas. Oh, yeah.
That’s already been done.
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